Emotionally Unavailable

Do you ever hear one of those "life-sayings" for the first time and instantly believe deep inside you have always known that to be true. This makes me wonder if life is really about learning lessons or re-remembering what we already knew.

Awareness, which is a bitch sometimes, is also the greatest gift. "Emotionally Unavailable" is a term that came to learn and understand a few years ago. That has been me for a majority of my life. I realized I also pursue men that fit that similar tag. The progress is that I am catching it sooner these days and taking the actions to stop myself from pursuing it. The end result today: sadness & relief.

Today I am grateful for:
My sponsor's facebook updates that were exactly what I needed to read or hear
M.R.
J.S.
N.V
facebook as another tool to stay connected
THe COVE and that there are people to travel to great lengths to fight for such a cause
GOD

1stepping

I went to 2 meetings today and they were both 1st step meetings. What I get out of first step meetings isn't reassurance of not drinking, what I get is gratitude of where I am out today. That's really what I get from 1st step work today. I have a disease that will get me to say "fuck it". I will forget all the consequences and failed attempts at drinking and try to hide my pain with a drink.

3 days removed from having had worked 10 days in a row and I was still feeling it. My new pillows I got yesterday helped me sleep much better though :-)

Today I am grateful for
being able to go to meetings and seeing my friends
not having to go to bars to see my friends
peaceful day at work
rain to cool us off a bit
Subway

I've been looking for a song to sing....

This past week a co-worker of mine grabbed me into their car and just unloaded with all the dirt going on in their position. The person said they just needed to unload their frustration with someone. I understand this now.
I recently held on to some feelings about a crush I had on someone. I held them so long because of fear or rejection and so on. I finally told that person how I felt and no matter what their response would have been, the relief of getting those feelings off my chest was instantly felt. I felt raw.

In recovery, the 5th step is such a powerful step because the act of letting someone else know our secrets is so rescuing.

I've been shopping for a piano/keyboard the past few days. I don't want to divulge everything on here, but I do want to find a way to do so. I've had several ideas for songs based on recent experiences. I want to get them to materialize. My sponsor told me about some step work his sponsor had him do through art and I thought it was pretty cool. Just another way to work the steps

Today I am grateful for
getting to see my parents today
that my trip to Wal-Mart was eventful..lol
my Celine Dion Blu-ray...she cries at everything and I like it
John Legend
inspiration
cake
my truck
possible idea for a fabulous Vegas trip!!

Pink Love

I've had pink eye for 2 days now :-(
If there's a blessing in disguise is that it has forced me to slow down and get some rest this weekend.
I was supposed to see my Mom for her Bday today but they had plans so I'm going to Clear Lake tomorrow.
Since I was left with nothing to do and a pretty pink eye I went to the Newlywed Gay Game show were my friend Dave was the host. I watched the contestants divulge silly facts about each other..a little of their history. I see myself one day with some good history with someone else :-)

On a sad note, someone came up to me and said they saw an old ex of mine the other day. Sadly, nothing had changed and he is deeper into his slow death because of his addiction..I hope he gets it one day.


Today I am grateful for...
a FULL night of sleep last night
feelings of love
a great workout this morning!!
The Saints looked great in preseason this morning! Repeat??
Tomorrow
feelings of peace
getting text messages with a smiley face
being sober

back to this blog..
It hasn't been much of a tool for me in recent years, but all of a sudden there's a lot of things happening in my life. You know those feelings you get from the universe that it's take time to take that next step in life? That's what I am talking about. I have a feeling that by the time 2010 is over I am going to look back and be amazed.

Something happened back in March and it happened twice. I was driving from the gym in the morning and all of a sudden started crying in my car for no reason. I had to pull over. Looking back now, there was not one situation, person, or thing that caused it. It felt like I was letting go of 6 years of emotions I have held back since being sober. I guess it was part of that "I am doing great" face. Since then, I've been getting a lesson and better understanding of what it means to live in the moment. The power of NOW. I've been able to experience Love, Joy, and a better awareness of what is going on each day in my heart and sometimes in my mind unfortunately..lol

I have to get back to this journal to get pen to paper to what is going on in the next month so I am not scared by it all. Fear is about tomorrow, next week, next month, and not knowing what lies ahead. At this moment, everything is perfect

Today I am grateful for:
awareness that God carried me through 10 straight days of work
discovering the wonderful music of John Legen and Kem
seeing my parents tomorrow
seeing my brother next week for my bday
getting to see one of my favorite singers, Meatloaf, with brother on my bday!!!!
M.R.
N.V.
D.D.
knowing when to step away
knowing when not to take the bait
G.O.D.

Higher Powered....the play

About 6 months ago, I dreamed about a play based on Higher Powers in A.A. in the image of super heroes. It was a pretty detailed dream and since that night I have been getting random ideas about it.
Tonight I got asked to write the play for the 2010 Houston Roundup. I was quickly filled with a fear I haven't experienced in a LOOOOOOONG time.
I shouldn't act surprise. I knew this was put in my head that night by MY higher power. I am excited tonight...but scared shitless too..lol

Today I am grateful for...
1. God
2. Sponsees
3. BLP
4. Sense of Humor
5. Speaking my heart at the noon meeting today. I felt really charge at the topic of Tradition 1

Saints Win Super Bowl!!!!!

I am not going to diminish my emotions tonight with words cause simply Words can't do justice to what I am feeling tonight.

Today I am grateful.

3 of the biggest dreams in my life have come true and they all have one thing in common..I have been sober to experience them. I still remember the feeling when my idol Toni Braxton called me on stage to sing with her. I jumped up and down like an excited cheerleader.
I still remember rushing the field after the homerun that put the Astros in the World Series.
And way fresh in my mind has been the last 2 weeks starting with the kick that put the Saints in the SuperBowl!!!

Words really can't explain the joy and gratitude I am experiencing at this moment.

The excitement in all this has been enough to null my mom's finding of some asian porn tonight....if you want to know about this ask me in person :-)

Today I am grateful for:
A great SuperBowl gathering with close friends
Emotions
God and his subtle signs
That I can detect the red flags today a lot easier
good sleep tonight :-)

Facebook

In the past year I've finally branched out from my home group in Houston and traveled to New Orleans, Dallas, and Austin. As a result, I've met some awesome people in recovery and have been able to stay connected with them through facebook. What a great gift this is!!
During the process, I have come to REALLY realize that my sober life is not relegated to my home group, the number of restaurants and coffee shops that we frequently visit. I thought I lost freedom when I first got sober, but what I really got is freedom to go anywhere in the world!

Today I am grateful for..
The means to go to Dallas for roundup, Black Eyed Peas, and Bill&Bob play
not giving up in school when I want to so often
connection
Jeff
David
Martin
Free Breakfast
Great sleep
my appointment with acupuncturist in morning
lunch with my dad tomorrow
SAINTS IN THE FREAKIN SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!

Big D Roundup

Finally got around to writing on here again after a wonderful weekend in Dallas for their roundup. I have to give it to the boys up there.....they really put on an amazing show. The speakers were all amazing, the workshops were great, and the shows were just over the top great.

I plan on making this a yearly visit. I didn't get to meet as many people as I would have like this first time around. Damn insomnia had feeling a bit out of it. Additionally, these types of events can be really difficult when I don't know many (any) faces.

I am still on my little emotional high from the weekend. It's just what I needed for my sobriety at the moment. I got to pick up a 4 year chip in Dallas, and get to do the same at home here in Houston on Saturday!!!

Today I am grateful for...
all the people that made BigD Roundup possible
that I was able to go
hearing my sponsor tell his Al-Anon Story
Picking up an Al-Anon serenity chip
That when I go back to work after a holiday weekend, I actually love going to work
Taking a day off from the gym to honor my body and rest